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I'm Developing Romantic Feelings For My Therapist. Help!
Article by Leah Cram, LCSW
It can feel embarrassing to realize you’re developing romantic feelings for the person you’re paying to help you. You might wonder, should I tell them, find a new therapist, or just do nothing?!
Developing romantic or sexual attraction toward your therapist doesn’t mean something is wrong with you – or that something is wrong with your therapy experience. What matters is:
1. What you do with those feelings
2. How your therapist responds
This phenomenon, clinically known as romantic transference, happens more than is commonly acknowledged. Here are some of the reasons why:
Your therapist is deeply attentive to you, interested in your inner world, nonjudgemental and emotionally present. A consistent source of support with whom you share vulnerable moments. A therapist is someone who remembers important details about your life. These are powerful dynamics that can naturally create and reinforce a deep emotional bond.
What to do?
First, don’t panic. Just notice your feelings. Ask yourself the following questions:
1. What exactly am I attracted to?
2. Does the attraction feel sexual, romantic, emotional, or a combination?
3. Does something about the therapeutic relationship feel familiar?
4. What needs does this relationship meet that I may be longing for elsewhere in my life?
You don’t have to answer these questions alone. Consider telling your therapist and work through your emotional experience together. Your therapist shouldn’t shame you for having feelings. Instead, they should help you explore what they mean, how they developed, and what they reveal about your relational patterns or unmet needs.
You don’t have to be embarrassed that you have developed feelings for your therapist. You also don’t have to act on them. Sometimes, what initially feels like an embarrassing secret turns out to be one of the most informative pieces of information you’ve brought to therapy!
How would you handle the development of romantic feelings in therapy? Have you experienced anything similar before? If you have any questions, comments, or additions please use the contact box on my website or DM me on Instagram – I’d love to hear your feedback.